Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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