it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
