I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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