he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
