Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
