The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
