I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
