Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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