do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
