I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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