my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
