A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
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He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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