My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
And then he peed in my hair
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