Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i now understand why vodka
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
