just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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