If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
