i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
