I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
