please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
