her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
