Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
