if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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