took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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