just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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