I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
