my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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