just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
