The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
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She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
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I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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