Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
