I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
