Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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