It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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