i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
