Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
