(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
