Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
