I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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