I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
