I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
