Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
