Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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