got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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