I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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