new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
