His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
