Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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