1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
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