there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
