I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
