If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Is Oprah even human
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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