Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
