im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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