Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
